


All I Want

by 94LWAYSLOU



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Getting Back Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:33:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23379166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/94LWAYSLOU/pseuds/94LWAYSLOU
Summary: They broke the hug and Harry squeezed Louis once more before picking his box back up and gave him once last, sad yet beautiful smile - a smile Louis might never see again - and turned around, not only walking out of Louis’ house, but Louis’ life and Louis’ heart too. Leaving him broken, alone and in the dark.or based on the song “All I Want” by Kodaline.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	All I Want

**Author's Note:**

> Hii, so this is just a quick little one shot for my very best friend Lea. This is her and I’s song so I decided to surprise her with a fic based on it. 
> 
> I hope everyone enjoys it. <3 
> 
> PS I didn’t add smut because she doesn’t like it :)

All I want is nothing more,  
To hear you knocking at my door

Numb. 

Louis felt numb. There was nothing there, he felt nothing. No sorrow, no sadness, no hurt, no anger, no happiness; nothing. 

Even though technically he couldn’t feel anything, there was the tiniest shred of relief. Relief? Why relief? Well, now that he couldn’t feel anything, the soul crushing ache in his chest was no longer overwhelming him; the sadness his mind felt every time he remembered Ha- him leaving. Replaying it over and over in his head no longer made him feel worthless. 

It’s been three days, three days since Harry left, since he walked out the door and said he wouldn’t be back. 

Louis lay in bed. Thinking; wondering. What was Harry doing now? Was he making breakfast- or is it dinner time? He had no clue what time of day it was. Was he drinking tea with no milk- which is Louis’ opinion is disgusting.

Is he facetiming Gemma and Anne? Talking to them about the daily life? Is he talking about Louis to them? Was he with someone? Was he with a man or woman? Oh god. 

Louis started to panic, images of Harry and an unknown, faceless person being together; laughing; talking; smiling at each other; touching each other; skin to skin, rubbing against each other.

But, as quickly as the appeared, they were gone. Soon replaced by images of Louis and Harry touching, their skin rubbing against each other. 

Louis doesn’t even know what is worse. 

Trying to calm himself down, he lay back down, on Harry’s side this time though, the first that part has been touched since Harry left. 

He bundled up the pillows on that side, rearranging them so we was basically spooning them and then lay his head on one of them, inhaling Harry’s scent.

Unsurprisingly, his heart rate calmed as soon as he smelled the warm, caramel scent. It used to be a thing, whenever Louis had a panic attack, the only thing to calm him down was Harry. Harry’s body pressed next to his, his soothing words and intoxicating scent.

Now, the only thing he had was the remnants of him, his smell, the array of self help books along the bedside cabinet; the ones harry loved to read and the jumper Louis was currently wearing; the iconic purple jumper, from way back to the xfactor days.

Harry had heavily grown out of it, but it still fit Louis, just right. It was tatty and had lost its colour from being washed too many times. 

But, Louis adored it. It smelled like Harry, it felt like Harry and it reminded him of Harry. It reminded him of cuddling with Harry way back in the Xfactor house. Two shy, small, teenager boys who had no clue what the world was about to do them. Only focused on each other, their eyes never straying away from each other.

God, Louis missed him. 

Louis just wished Harry would turn back up, to do anything. He doesn’t care what. If it was to shout at Louis, to take the last of his stuff from the house, hell, Louis wouldn’t even care if Harry came back only to take that stupid, purple jumper Louis carried on his back.

He would do anything to have Harry back. To hear his long, lanky, thin fingers knocking at the door. Louis would definitely die a happy man, he’s sure. 

***

When you said your last goodbye,  
I died a little bit inside,

Looking back now, the last time Louis saw Harry was worse than the night they broke up. That night, when Harry decided to break it off, it was a shouting match, voices full of hurt, rage and sadness. It was passionate and angry, it was all their bottled feelings rising from the surface and colliding, and smashing into pieces. It ended in Harry walking out and Louis walking to the drink cupboard. 

That night was bad, yeah, but nothing compared to the day after. That day, Louis hadn't gotten any sleep, he got blackout drunk and sobbed on the phone to Niall, telling him everything, how fucked up everything was and how he fucked up.

Niall, being the sweetheart he is, told him to go drink some water, get in a shower and go to bed. Louis resisted at first, only caring about one thing Niall had to say. Niall had to tell them the answer. The answer to the dreaded question no wants to ask, and what no one wants to receive. 

Louis asked Niall in a broken, sad voice “Is this it? Are we over? Does he not love me anymore?”

Niall couldn’t answer, he didn’t know what to say, and the saddest part about it; he didn’t even know the answer. He didn’t know if they’d get back together, and he didn’t know whether Harry loved Louis anymore. 

That’s what broke Louis the most.

Niall had always been their biggest supporter, he was right there from the beginning, pushing the two together, trying to set them up. When they eventually got together and revealed it, they both swore Niall was happier about it than Louis and Harry were.

If Niall didn’t even believe it anymore, then why should Louis? 

This was exactly Louis’ thought process as Harry came over the next day. Both their eyes were puffy, their lips chapped and cheeks pale. Neither of them had slept a wink, you could tell.

Louis didn’t have the energy to fight anymore, all the passion and the determination to fight for Harry was gone, only left while a dull, lonely black, hole. 

So, when Harry came over, Louis opened the door and didn’t speak one word. Just stared blankly at Harry, almost looking right through him. 

Harry had a twinge of worry in his mind when he saw Louis like that, his sweet, passionate, caring and determined boy looked so lost and defeated. 

Except no, Louis wasn’t his boy anymore. Louis wasn’t his anything anymore. Harry sucked it up, and threw all that worry he felt into the back of his head. 

He lifted his head high and muttered, “Hey, just here to grab the rest of my stuff. Won’t take me long, I’ll be out of your hair soon.”

Louis just nodded, even though he was itching to tell not to go, to tell him to stay, that he needs him here. But he didn’t. 

Harry stood there awkwardly, and then gave Louis an even more awkward nod and signalled to the bedroom, “Um, I’m gonna go do it now.”

Louis once again nodded, “Yeah, sure.”

Harry then shuffled into the other room, and it took everything in Louis not to burst out crying. This was it, it was real, they really are done.

Louis did his natural breathing exercises he’d been told to do by his therapist, this was not the time to have a panic attack, Louis told himself. Pick yourself, Louis. Just another ten minutes and then you can breakdown all you want. Don’t let him see you like this.

Louis took one last deep breath and stood up, wiped his face and levelled it out, head held high. He then starting walking to the bedroom, wanting to see what Harry was doing when he bumped into a hard chest. 

Louis almost fell back, the impact of the hard chest making Louis’ balance falter. Just as he was about to go he felt two big hands grab onto him, his waist specifically. An “Oof!” and a “Ouch!” were heard from both boys. Louis looked up, and saw Harry’s eyes staring at him. 

As quickly as they looked at the each other, they looked away, quickly jumping back from each other, “Uh, shit, sorry.” Harry muttered, realising he was holding onto Louis’ waist still. 

Louis shook his head, “Um, no, it’s uh, it’s fine.” Harry then nodded and it once again became very awkward around them. 

Looking away from Harry, Louis saw the box in his hands and realised Harry had packed everything and was now leaving. 

“You, got everything then?” Louis quietly, spoke, eyes not reaching Harry’s.

“Yeah, yeah. I think so.” Harry muttered back, haunching the box up a little. He took a step forward and then walked around Louis, heading to the door.

Louis followed him, and awkwardly watched as Harry got everything sorted and ready to leave with it. 

“Walk me to the door?” Harry asked. 

“Um, yeah, okay.” 

They both headed over to the door and stopped at the front of it. They looked up at each other, not taking their gazes away from each other once. 

Harry finally opened his mouth and muttered, “So, I guess this is it then, huh?” 

Louis looked down and his shoes and nodded, “Yeah, I guess so.” 

Louis then opened the door for Harry, and Harry stood there for two seconds, just staring at Louis, before he dropped the box and his arms encircled Louis. 

He squeezed Louis as hard as possible, trying to convey all the words he’s not been able to say. He whispered into the crook of his neck, “Goodbye, Louis. I hope the rest of your life is as bright and beautiful and bright as you are.”

Louis could feel his walls coming down, his cracks about to show and his lip beginning to wobble so he took a deep breath to calm himself and said, “Goodbye, Harry. I hope you do too, It’s what you deserve.” 

They broke the hug and Harry squeezed Louis once more before picking his box back and gave him once last, sad yet beautiful smile - A smile Louis might never see again - and turned around, not only walking out of now Louis’ house, but Louis’ life and Louis’ heart too. Leaving him broken, alone and dark. 

A part of Louis died inside that night, a part that will never return. 

***

But if you loved me,  
Why’d you leave me

Three weeks later Louis was slightly better, by the second week Niall had come barging into Louis’ and Ha- Louis’ house, demanding him to get up and shower as well as eat a decent meal. 

Since then, he’s been trying to move on life; keep going. He’s gone home to see his family, which made him feel a million times better. He’s missing his mum a little though, this is where Anne usually stepped in. If he needed a mum moment he has Anne- had. He had Anne. Of course, not anymore. 

He’s also been spending a lot of time with each of the other boys, all of them spending at least a couple of hours a day with Louis a day. 

They didn’t want to leave him alone, but honestly, that’s all Louis wanted. He wanted to be alone so he could mope and cry, think about harry, cry, drink himself into a coma, did he say cry already?

One night when the boys all had plans, he decided to curl up and watch a film. Honestly, he wasn’t paying attention to it, but it was the thought that counts. 

He didn’t have the energy to drink, so he made himself a cup of tea, dressed in one of Harry’s silk shirts that almost reached his knees, wrapped himself in a blanket, and laid on the couch.

Louis has fallen asleep not long after the movie started, which was rare for him, since lately he barely slept. 

Sleeping soundly, Louis was abruptly awoken by a shrill noise coming from his phone. Groggily he sat up, wondering what the hell was going on. 

He shifted through the blankets that lay atop of him, coming across his vibrating phone between it. 

When he saw who was calling he froze, his heart immediately racing once again. He was conflicted as to whether to answer it or not, and eventually decided to fuck it and answer. 

“H-Hello?” Louis muttered, trying to come across indifferent. 

“Lou, i-it’s me, Harry,” a deep voice slurred. 

“I know, I have caller ID.” 

“W-where are you, Lou? I got to my flat and you’re not there. Where are you? I need you. Please.” Harry’s voice rang through the phone.

Louis could feel his eyes slightly watering already, who knew talking to your ex would still be this hard? “Harry, what are you doing? What’s going on?” 

Harry’s voice once again began speaking through his phone, his speech getting progressively worse and harder to understand, “I-I went out, with Nick and some of the lads. They- they tried to hook me up with a bloke, but I promise Lou, I promise I didn’t do anything. N-Never want to do anything with anyone ‘cept you.” 

He’s drunk, Louis. Louis tried to control his breathing, he kept repeating the same words inside his head, he’s drunk, he doesn’t mean it, he’ll regret it in the morning. 

Louis was once again popped out of his bubble by the love of his life’s voice talking again, “Lou? Are you still there? ‘M sorry, I just need to talk to you, Lou. Miss you so much.”

Louis had to be strong, “Harry, we’re not together anymore. You can’t just say things like this now, it’s not okay. You’re drunk, you don’t mean any of this, but that doesn’t mean it’s still okay to say. You’ll regret all this tomorrow, stop.” 

Harry’s breath shook on the other side of the line, “N-No, Lou. I mean it, I do, promise. Miss you everyday. Miss your voice, your little crinkled eyes that shine when you smile, miss your touch, miss being able to touch you. Just miss you, Lou.”

Louis had tears falling from his eyes, and travelling down his red cheeks, pooling on his collarbones, “Harry you have to stop, you don’t miss me, this is just the alcohol talking.” 

Harry’s voice changed next, the desperation in his voice beginning to show, “Lou, no. I love you, l-love you so much. Always have an’ always will.”

After hearing those words Louis snapped, having had enough of his heart being toyed with, “Harry! Enough! Stop lying! If you really loved me, why’d you leave me, huh? Why’d you leave?” 

Louis wasn’t the only one crying now, Harry drunkenly crying, “B-because I couldn’t do it anymore, Lou. Couldn’t see that look on your face every time I was seen with another girl, couldn’t see the life drain from your eyes when you were told you had another outing with Eleanor. Couldn’t see you be heartbroken anymore, not over me. I was being too selfish to keep us in a relationship that was destroying you.” 

Louis was silently sobbing into his hand, not making a sound. Harry was still so drunk, so Louis didn’t know what was true and what wasn’t, but at that point it didn’t even matter. He couldn’t go back to him, Harry didn’t want him anymore. 

“Harry, you're going to go get some water, now. Go to the kitchen and get some, then go into the bathroom and take some paracetamol as well as leaving some on the bedside table for the morning, after that get changed into pyjamas or just your boxers, get into bed and sleep, okay? Can you do that?”

"Yes, I can do that,”Louis heard shuffling noises over the phone, which indicated to him that Harry was doing what he asked of him, just over a minute later he heard Harry return to the phone, “Okay, I’ve done it, what now, Lou?” 

Louis then muttered into the phone, “Nothing more, Harry. I'm going to hang up now, alright?”

Harry made a panicking noise and hurriedly rushed out, "No, no. Baby, please, please. Don't leave me, don't leave."

Louis' heart shattered, "Well, Harry, now you know how it feels.” and hung up the phone. As he clicked off the call, he flung his phone onto the other side of the couch with his shaking hands, he sat staring at his discarded phone for approximately 30 seconds before bursting into tears again. God, would this heartbreak ever end?

***  
You brought out the best in me,  
A part of me I’ve never seen 

Despite what everyone thought, Louis was actually quite shy, especially before the Xfactor. Everyone thought of him as this outgoing, loud, sassy teenage boy, but a lot of it was an act. Yes, he was all of those things, but he was also very shy, quiet and calm. 

Saying that, being on the Xfactor was an amazing experience for him, for his self discovery, his self esteem and self discovery rose, it truly was a great experience. The thing is, though, Louis struggled with not being heard and being disliked, that’s why he was always trying to be loudest in the group and was the outgoing and funny one. 

He thought if he was the loudest. People would have no choice but to listen and if he was the funniest one, people were bound to like him, to like him because he made them laugh. 

That wasn’t the case when it came to Harry though, Harry helped show him that it was okay to be quiet, and made sure Louis knew he was listening, that Louis was being heard. Likewise with Louis, Louis would build Harry up and show him it’s okay to be feminine, to like painting your nails, to like “girly” things. 

Harry taught Louis it was okay to be quiet, it was okay to be pliant and soft, no matter what time it was or what they were doing, Harry always let him know that he didn’t have to be loud to be heard.

Like when it was 3am and they were lying side by side on the bed, each desperate to hold the other’s hand but too shy to and Louis would blurt out that he wished his baby sisters were there so he could have someone to cuddle, immediately blushing after realising what he said, Harry would be bold and pull him into his body, whispering that it was okay to want a cuddle. 

When it was seven o’clock in the evening and they had just returned back at the Xfactor rehearsals and Louis was extra quiet, trying his best not to be, wanting someone to notice him, there would Harry right next to him, asking him if he wanted to go into bed and letting him know being quiet can be good, that he didn’t have to put the loud, upbeat, funny act on when he was around Harry. 

When they would have a rare day off and Harry wouldn’t be able to find him, only to see him in his room, facetiming his family, wearing that bright, sparkling smile Harry had fallen in love with, seeing it disappear half an hour later when he was no longer speaking to them. Silently sobs shaking his body, “I just miss them so much, Haz.”, Harry then going on to tell him it’s okay, that he’s allowed to cry and to miss his family. 

Harry helped him bring out his calm, shy and sensitive side. A side Louis has never really explored or seen before. Both of them brought the best out of each other, and two weeks later when Louis finally went in for the kiss, all his sides tied together, having one thing in common, their love and adoration for none other than Harry Styles. 

Looking back on it now, Louis could see that all his sides were broken, somewhat damaged. 

His confident and loud self was cracked, with constantly being told that he’s too loud, that he can’t sing, to shut up and let everyone hear the other boys instead. 

His sassy and flamboyant side was chipped, being told he’s too feminine, that it’s weird, that he can’t come across as the “gay one from the band”. 

Oh, and his loving and happy side? Man, that one is shattered; completely broken into an infinite number of pieces. His happiness was scattered all around the floor, Louis not having nearly enough room in his arms to try and pick them up and put them back together. In a way, it was the same as his heart: both incapable of being mended. 

One thing was for sure, though, all of Louis’ sides were still connected, still connected by their everlasting love they all shared towards Harry. 

***

All I want is nothing more,  
To hear you knocking at my door, 

The morning after the drunken phone call, Louis almost jumped four feet in the air when he heard a rapid knock at the door. He paused, who could that be? One of the boys, maybe? Louis told them not to come round today, that he was tired and was going to do some writing which in turn meant that he had to be left alone.

Louis sighed on his way to the front door and beginning to open not, expecting one of the boys, why for one in their life could they not just listen to Louis and not bother him, why do they always have to go against his wishe- 

Louis froze, there standing in front of him, was none other than his ex boyfriend, the one who phoned him last night and set him back weeks in the whole moving on thing. Harry had definitely been drunk last night, if by the way he currently looks gives any indication.

He looked pale, his eyes red and the bags under his eyes even worse, greasy, untamed hair and his signature fowly shirt, that was crumpled and creased. But still beautiful, so beautiful, Louis thought. 

“H-Hi,” Harry muttered, looking straight into Louis’ eyes, “Can I- can I come in?”

Louis jumped back into action hearing that and opened the door wider, “Oh shit, yeah, of course, come in, come.”

Harry came in and awkwardly stood around, his eyes scanned everywhere and nowhere, eventually landing on Louis and just… staring at him. Louis couldn’t place the emotions currently etched onto Harry’s, couldn’t decipher any which one. All Louis was able to tell that even with his face conflicted, he was still the most beautiful person Louis had ever seen. 

Eventually Louis got tired of Harry just staring at him, opening and closing his mouth every few seconds, looking like he wanted to say something but changed his mind every time.

“What are you doing here, Harry?”  
Harry fiddled with his hands, not sure what to do with his body, “I-I’m here to apologise. What happened last night was out of order, and I’m really sorry about it. You didn’t deserve that.” Harry moved nearer lonely so they could both see each other properly. Harry was desperate to show Louis that he was telling the truth.

“I was so drunk and I was lonely, all I could think about was you so I called you, which was really stupid and idiotic I juat thought it would be better to come and apologise face to face instead of calling you again.”

Louis looked up at him and he was conflicted, does he resign and say it’s okay or does he instigate a fight, wanting to antagonise Harry. But really Louis thought, what would that achieve? Nothing. It would just result in Harry walking out again and Louis’ heart breaking all over again.

He eventually decided on bucking up the courage of doing neither and instead asked, “Did you mean it?”

Harry cocked his head to the side, looking confused, “How’d you mean?” 

Louis took a deep breath and looked right into Harry’s eyes, “Everything you said last night, did you mean it?” 

Without a doubt in mind, Harry closed the gap in between Louis and Harry, now both standing next to each other, taking Louis’ hand and determinedly spoke, “Of course I did, Louis. I still do. Every single bloody word, I meant. You know me, all I do is spew the truth when I’m drunk, that’s how you found out I was in love with you in the first place, yeah?” 

Louis faintly smiled at the memory, Harry had gotten black out drunk one night with Cher and Matt Cardle and he came into the boys’ room, absolutely bladdered and confessed his feelings for Louis. At first Louis didn’t believe a word, thinking Harry was just extremely drunk. But, that wasn’t the case, he repeatedly said it until the message finally got through to Louis and they kissed, right there, in the boys’ bedroom in the Xfactor house, 2010. 

That was just the start of them. 

And this was the end of them. 

Or. Maybe not. 

Louis was still shocked to an extent, but so incredibly happy. Harry still loved him, he had the whole time. He was still in so deep for Louis, just like he was with Harry. As quick as the happiness arrived though, it went away. 

This love confession doesn’t solve everything. This doesn’t solve all the tears, all the fights, all the anger, all the sadness, all their problems. They couldn’t just get back together, no matter how much Louis wanted to. 

“Harry, what does this mean for us? You can’t just break my heart and leave and then show back two months later telling me you love me and expect everything to go back to normal.”

Harry rapidly shook his head and squeezed Louis’ hand that was still intertwined was his own, “No, Lou, not at all. I wasn’t even planning saying all that today, or last night either. But I have now, and I think we really need to talk everything out and see where we go then? I just want you to remember that I love you so much and I am so sorry for the pain i’ve caused you lately.”

Louis nodded his head and lowered his head, focusing on their connected hands, “O-Okay, Haz. We definitely need to talk everything out.”

“Totally, Lou. Can I give you a hug please?”

Louis scoffed, “Since when have you ever had to ask that, Loser? C’mere you big goof.”

Harry broke out into a smile that Louis hasn’t seen in years, the one that Harry used to send to him back in the early days. He tugged Louis as hard as he could, probably a bit more than he should’ve since Louis stumbled. As always, Harry caught him. 

After steadying him, his arms swallowed Louis up into a big bear hug. His arms around Louis’ back clutching his too big jumper and Louis’ slithered around his neck. They stayed like that for a few minutes, perfectly content, swaying on the spot lightly. 

Not long after, Harry broke the hug to look down at Harry, this time without asking he bent down and gave Louis the sweetest kiss he’s ever had. It felt like they were kissing for the first time all over again. The butterflies, the nerves, the excitement. Perfect.  
Louis responded to it just as sweetly and enthusiastically as Harry was, his short fingers slipping into his curls and lightly pulling, just the way Harry liked. 

A few seconds lately they broke it, chastely kissing once after before completely. Both of them looked at each other with love in their eyes and somewhat shy smiles. Harry eventually looked at Louis and took his hand, “Let’s go have that talk now, yeah?”

Louis nodded and smiled before pulling Harry back, “Hey, Harry?”

“Yeah, babe?”

“Thank you for coming back, I needed you to come back knocking on that door, again. I wasn’t sure you ever would.”

Harry pulled Louis into another hug, his heart simultaneously breaking and melting, “Babe, I’m sorry, I love you much. Yeah? You don’t have to thank me for anything, never ever. The only words I need from you are three words, eight letters.”

Louis smiled bashfully, and stood on his tippy toes and whispered into Harry’s ears, “I hate you.”

Harry pulled back shocked, Louis bursting into giggles. Harry looked relieved when hearing the child-like giggles. His face turned mischievous and the next thing Louis knew he was being thrown over Harry’s shoulder and being carried to the bedroom, “You’re gonna pay for that one, you little shit.”

Louis couldn’t stop giggling, “Oh, yeah. What’re you gonna do, huh?”

“You’ll find out soon enough, baby.”

Let’s just say, that chat of theirs took place later than they expected to. 

***  
All I need  
Is to find somebody like you.

*six months later*

Watching Harry play live was one of Louis’ favourite things to do. He looked so incredibly happy, like nothing in the world could bring him down. He pranced and laughed and danced and shone. Everyone was mesmerised by him, each and everyone of the audience captivated by him, much like Louis was. 

He could see girls in the first row, staring at him like they’d never seen someone so beautiful in their lives, which to be fair, is most likely true, Harry was gorgeous. But, it always made Louis smug, those girls idolise Harry and more than likely want to be with, but they can’t, they never will be. 

Louis has him. He will for the rest of his life. He doesn’t have to find someone like Harry, unlike all those other girls will want to do, because he already has him. 

They’ve officially been back together a year now, Harry is back on tour and Louis has just released his album. Their lives have been going really well, both in their relationship and out. 

They’re due to come out at the end of this year, both their contracts ending. They both cannot wait, but now, they’d still make it work if they couldn’t come out because they both have each other and that’s enough for them.

They don’t ever want to go through what they did two years ago, it was hell on earth and they’re doing everything they possibly can do to make sure that doesn’t happen. 

Because at the end of the day, they’re all each other wants.


End file.
